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LASTING RELATIONSHIPS
'We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an
imperfect person perfectly.' Sam Keen
Given how much we change over the course of our adult lives, it seems only
natural that we will occasionally experience difficult times within our long
term relationships. Whether they be with friends, partner or family,
charting a completely smooth course throughout the years isn't always easy.
I would actually go so far as to say that a long term relationship without
the occasional glitch along the way is potentially not a completely open
one.
I'm not suggesting that we need to seek out conflict or difficulty in order
to enjoy a satisfying friendship or partnership but we do need to
acknowledge that people have their differences and over the passage of time,
we change. We need to be willing to address the issues that arise to allow
our relationship to continue to grow. Sometimes working through such issues
results in a degree of conflict.
In some relationships, conflict is viewed as completely unacceptable.
Keeping the peace and maintaining harmony at all costs is a greater goal
than speaking openly and honesty. In others, conflict is dealt with in an
angry or hostile manner that evokes fear and insecurity. In a healthy
relationship, differences of opinion are acknowledged and talked through -
even when those conversations are difficult.
Sometimes our differences of opinion need to be accepted as an integral part
of the fabric we weave with the people we love. It is these very differences
that bring richness and colour to our lives as we allow ourselves to be open
to new ways of seeing things.
If you've ever worked through a challenging patch and resolved or agreed to
accept a difference in opinion, you know the experience of greater depth in
your connection. There is nothing quite as validating as the sense that the
person you love knows you deeply.
Too often we walk away from long term partners when the going gets tough.
The culture we live in is partly to blame. Society often sends us the
message that if it's not perfect, it's not good enough. Much of what we've
learnt to expect from relationships has come from formulaic film scripts
designed to make us feel good but that don't offer a 'real' picture of love.
Real love is complex - it doesn't necessarily feel great every day but the
true measure is whether your life is richer with that person in it.
Creating a lasting relationship:
Remember three things that attracted you to your partner (or friend) in the
early days of your relationship and acknowledge that person for one of those
things every day for a week
Accept (and admit) your own imperfections and say sorry if you need to
Avoid constantly criticising your partner - make sure your positive
interactions significantly outweigh your negative interactions
Make a commitment to spend time together doing something you both enjoy
Keep your sense of humour
ON A PERSONAL NOTE
Chris and I met when I was twenty one. In some ways it seems a lifetime ago
but at other times it feels like yesterday. It also feels as though I'm a
completely different person to who I was back then and yet (somewhat
miraculously I think) I've managed to hold onto a handful of very special
friendships over that time...including the one I have with Chris.
We've definitely had our challenges. There have been times in the past
twenty three years when we have both wondered if the relationship was right
for us. Times when I couldn't believe how stubborn he could be! (Of course,
looking back, I can see I was occasionally difficult at times too..)
We've grown and changed so much and even though sometimes over those years
we wanted very different things, we've managed to create a life where we
both have what is important to us.
Some years ago we surrendered to the fact that we didn't have all the
answers ourselves and we sought out some counselling. We learned that there
were ways to manage things differently and we were reminded of a few simple
but effective tips to keep any relationship happy. To focus on what we loved
in each other rather than what was wrong, to keep communicating no matter
how tough those conversations were and to remember to create laughter.
I don't doubt we'll hit a few more bumps along the way. Hopefully we now
have the resources we need to work through the difficulties because there's
one thing I know for certain - and that is that no relationship is perfect.
But I think this one is worth hanging onto.
'Once the realisation is accepted that even between the closest human beings
infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if
they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for
each to see the other whole against the sky.'
Rainer Maria Rilke
We are happy for you
to reproduce our articles as long as they remain intact and
contain the author's details as follows:
'Kate James is a work life balance coach, writer and
speaker. She works with professional people who want to
enhance their quality of life by making the right career and
life choices. You can find Kate at
www.totalbalance.com.au.'
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