Some years ago I worked with Annie, a woman in her late 60’s, who told me she wanted to be more courageous. “I don’t want to jump out of planes or learn public speaking,” she told me, “but I do want the courage to be more true to myself.”
For as long as she could remember, Annie felt she needed to be ‘good’. Growing up on a large dairy farm in northern Victoria, her hardworking parents were gone from the house from dawn to dusk. As one of five children, Annie was rewarded for being quiet, compliant and for helping out with household chores.
“To this day, I play into that. I’m always the person to take on extra work and I don’t speak up in meetings if there’s an opinion called for because I’m worried about who I might upset.”
Another client Gemma, wants to let go of her lifelong pattern of worrying too much and the behaviours this habit leads to.
“My mind is always racing. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t worrying about something. It means I am constantly rushing and I can’t sit still,” she said. “I interrupt people, I’m impatient and I jump in to solve people’s problems rather than letting them work things out for themselves.”
Both Annie and Gemma are self-aware but even with that awareness, neither of these women knew how to change their behaviour in order to become the women they most want to be.
Changing habitual thoughts and behaviours that have been with us for decades isn’t quick or easy but it is entirely possible. The great challenge is to stay committed for long enough to realise lasting change. Both Annie and Gemma were able to do this and the impact for each of them was significant.
Here the five steps they took.
1. Connect with your present experience
A deeper sense of self-awareness can be found when we bring our attention back into the present moment by becoming aware of our bodies and tuning into the underlying thoughts and emotions that drive our behaviour.
Try this simple exercise right now:
- Bring your attention fully into your feet. Feel the contact points that your feet make with the floor.
- Now do the same with the your legs and your back. Be aware of them making contact with the chair or the sofa beneath you. Rest your awareness here for a full minute if you can (noticing how the mind wants to drag your attention away).
- Next, become fully aware of your breath. Not changing your breath in any way, simply notice how your body moves as you breath.
- Now scan your face, chest and abdomen and notice any tension in the muscles. See if you can actively relax.
- Once you have completed all of these steps, tune into your whole body and ask yourself, ‘What are the thoughts and emotions I’m aware of?’.
2. Make room for what is here
Our habitual behaviours usually occur when we’re not attuned to our emotions – and when we’re busy or rushed, we’re often not aware of how we are feeling.
For Annie, pleasing everyone else stemmed from a desire for belonging and in Gemma’s case, the tendency to jump in and solve other people’s problems came from her own anxious feelings.
Once you’re properly tuned in, see if you can notice and name what you’re feeling. Don’t be discouraged if you find this difficult at first. With practice, it gets easier and when you’re aware of how you feel, you’ll find it easier to make room for your emotional experience and actively choose how you want to behave.
3. Self-awareness journalling
Try a freeform journalling exercise, writing by hand for at least thirty-minutes without editing using following journal prompts.
What am I feeling today?
How do these feelings influence my behaviour?
What could I choose instead?
Who do I want to be?
4. Trust what you discover
Sometimes when we get in touch with what feels real to us it can be uncomfortable or unpleasant to sit with. Uncovering strong emotions or even the desire to be different can stir up uncertainty and fear.
Before you automatically turn away from what you discover, consider what it would be like to listen to and trust your insights.
What might be different in your life if you were to lean into the truth of what’s here?
As always, if any of these exercises stir emotions or memories that feel challenging to deal with alone, reach out to your GP to organise a mental health plan and a referral to a specialist who can support you.
5. Choose who you want to be
After completing the journalling exercise, Annie chose to focus on the value of ‘courage’. We talked about how she could act more courageously in ways that felt genuinely meaningful to her and here’s what she came up with.
“I want to let go of the idea that I always need to be giving or perfect. I’m going to start by noticing where I feel resentful. This is how I feel when I give too much of myself. When I become aware of that, I’ll be more honest with myself and then practice being more honest with others.”
Gemma chose the value of ‘peace’. She wanted to regularly bring her awareness back to the present moment and to ask herself, “What am I really feeling?”. When she became aware of uncomfortable thoughts or difficult emotions, she began to note that her habitual behaviour was to get busy or to go into problem-solving or fixing.
She challenged herself to stay still for longer and started to notice the inclination to jump up and do something as soon as she tried to relax. Noticing and naming her emotions was particularly helpful for Gemma and she found that allowing for difficult emotions began to soothe her habitual anxiety.
Client names have been changed to protect their privacy.
