If I could identify one consistent theme that impacts almost every one of my clients, it’s the feeling that no matter how much they do or what they achieve, they’re somehow still not good enough.
Chances are this could be you too. You’ll notice it if you find yourself always doing, striving, fixing, helping, perfecting, yet never feeling at ease. Or perhaps, at the other end of the scale, you might be aware of feeling stuck, indecisive or in a state of inertia, unable to move forward no matter how much you want to. These are entirely different experiences, but underneath, both have the same root cause: a lack of genuine and enduring self-worth.
Over the coming few months, I’ll share a series of blog posts that will help you understand these polarities better, learn about where they come from, notice how they are impacting your life and discover how to heal from them and move forward.
If you’re tired of pushing yourself too hard or if you feel embarrassed by your lack of progress, this series is for you. It’s for anyone who’s been caught in the exhausting loop of trying to prove their worth or hiding from the world because they fear they don’t have enough to offer.
Despite appearing as polarities, over functioning and feeling stuck are not true opposites but rather, two sides of the same coin. They stem from an early message that who you are is somehow lacking – that you must do more, be more or be different to earn your place.
Like most of these behaviours, they’re nuanced, but here’s how they sometimes show up.
Overfunctioning: when you’re always “on”
Overfunctioning often looks like strength. You’re the one people can rely on. You’re a problem solver who knows how to manage the details, anticipate problems, get things done, help others and fix things. On the outside, you seem capable and in control.
But inside, you might feel very different. You might find it hard to relax or ask for help. You may worry that if you slow down, everything will fall apart or that people will think less of you. You might even find yourself feeling resentful. Overfunctioning is often driven by a fear of being seen as lazy, weak, or selfish.
Beneath the overfunctioning is a belief that love, approval or safety are things you have to earn by being useful, responsible or giving.
Being stuck: when you can’t get going
On the other side of the coin is being stuck – or what some people call underfunctioning. I think “stuck” is a kinder and more accurate description.
You might feel paralysed by self-doubt. You may procrastinate, avoid decisions or struggle to take action, even when you know what needs to be done. You might find yourself over preparing, making endless lists or thinking you need to complete another qualification before you get started. This can feel frustrating and at times, even humiliating – especially when others seem to be moving forward with ease.
Being stuck isn’t about laziness or lack of desire or having an inherent ‘block’ that you need to get rid of. Often, it’s a nervous system response to overwhelm, failure or fear. Somewhere along the way, you might have internalised the idea that it’s safer not to try than to try and fall short.
Like overfunctioning, being stuck is a protective pattern. Both are ways of coping with the belief that your worth is conditional and in order to feel worthy, you must keep performing or stay hidden.
Why it matters
These patterns end up being more than habits. They affect how we relate to ourselves, to others and to life. They show up in our careers, our relationships, our health and they even impact our sense of purpose.
Many people bounce between the polarities – burning out from overfunctioning, then collapsing into stuckness. Or staying stuck for long stretches, then frantically overcompensating. It’s a painful cycle, and it keeps us from experiencing the innate sense of calm and confidence that comes from knowing and believing in our innate sense of worth.
This is the message I hope to weave through this series: you don’t have to earn your worth. It’s already there. And when you start to trust that, you can move through life with more grace, more ease and a much greater sense of joy.
Where are you on the spectrum?
Over the coming week, reflect on where you might be sitting on the spectrum and if it interests you, take this quick quiz to gain more clarity.
The Overfunctioning–Stuck Spectrum
A visual to help you locate yourself:
[Overfunctioning] ————————— [Centre: Grounded Enoughness] ————————— [Stuck]
Overfunctioning: perfectionism, people-pleasing, over-responsibility, anxiety, burnout
Centre: self-worth, balance, rest, healthy boundaries, joy, presence
Stuck: avoidance, indecision, shame, procrastination, fatigue, depression
You don’t need to change anything for now – start by simply noticing. If you’re unclear about your natural tendencies, here are some journal prompts that might help.
- Where do I tend to sit on this spectrum most of the time?
- What thoughts or feelings arise when I try to slow down or do more?
- What do I fear might happen if I stopped overfunctioning or started taking action if I’ve been feeling stuck?
Next time, we’ll take a look at the 10 signs you could be overfunctioning – and why it’s more common than you might think.
