Overfunctioning is one of the four hidden patterns I wrote about recently that often arise when we don’t feel good enough. The other three – avoidance, paralysis and people-pleasing – are also common, but out of all of these patterns, overfunctioning is the one that’s easiest to mistake for a strength.
It’s something that I’m personally familiar with – it has been a (largely unconscious, until recently) part of my life for as long as I can remember. I suspect it began in the same way all of these hidden patterns do – as a childhood response essentially aimed at seeking approval.
If you’re like me and this is the pattern you most commonly default to, here’s how it might show up in your life. You don’t just stay on top of your task list, you’re one step ahead of everything. People trust you to get things done. You’re reliable, organised and extremely hardworking. But underneath the outward appearance of calm competence, there may be something else going on.
If you slow down for long enough, you might notice that you feel exhausted (maybe even burnt out), resentful, or anxious, even when everything looks fine on the outside. Or maybe eventually, like me, it has an impact on your health. In my case, I’m in the early stages of an autoimmune condition which is what led me to start researching these patterns recently.
Overfunctioning isn’t a strength. It’s a sign that something within you needs care and attention.
Here are five signs you might be overfunctioning and some suggestions for change.
1. You feel responsible for everything and everyone
It’s likely you’re high achieving, disciplined, vigilant and even perfectionistic. You’re the first to notice what needs doing, and always the first to step in. Whether it’s managing a crisis at work, smoothing over family tensions, or remembering the neighbour’s birthday, you feel that it often falls to you to take responsibility. And because you’re so capable, people allow it, and eventually, come to expect you to take care of things.
While it can feel great to be helpful, the compulsion to keep everything running smoothly and to stay on top of life often comes from an unconscious fear that things will fall apart if you’re not in control.
If you grew up in a home where adults were unreliable, unpredictable or emotionally unavailable, you may have learned early that being dependable, high achieving and hardworking was the most effective way to feel safe or even seen.
As you become aware of this pattern, it’s helpful to remind yourself that you don’t need to be responsible for everything. Other people can (and eventually, will) step in. You just need to make room for them to do that.
Try this: Ask yourself, “Is this really mine to carry?” Step back and give others the opportunity to take on some of the load, even if they do it differently to how you would.
2. You stay busy to avoid uncomfortable feelings
You might tell yourself you enjoy being busy (I know I do). It gives you a sense of purpose and feels satisfying to be productive. But look a little more closely and it’s likely that you’ll discover that you’re rarely still. Even on your days off, you find ways to fill the space with errands, housework, emails, checking in on others.
Underneath the busyness, there may be a kind of restlessness or uneasiness that creeps in when there’s nothing to do. This can be the nervous system’s way of trying to keep difficult emotions at bay. When we don’t feel good enough, slowing down can be confronting. Feelings like guilt, inadequacy or even emptiness might rise up, and staying busy helps us outrun them.
But rest is not the enemy. Slowing down can be the doorway to a deeper sense of self-awareness and understanding, as well as an important part of caring for your wellbeing.
Try this: Create a little pocket of quiet time in your week, even just fifteen minutes to begin with, where you don’t achieve anything. Sit and breathe and let whatever arises come and go. You might be surprised by the clarity that follows.
3. You put others’ needs ahead of your own
You pride yourself on being thoughtful and generous. You tell yourself you have an abundance of energy, so you’re happy to go the extra mile on everything. But there’s a difference between kindness and self-abandonment.
If you regularly suppress your own needs, skipping lunch to help a colleague, biting your tongue to keep the peace, shelving your dreams to support your partner, pushing through when you feel exhausted, it’s helpful to reflect on why you do this.
Sometimes we overfunction as a way of proving our worth. If we equate being loved with being needed, we learn to earn our place through service.
But your needs matter just as much as everyone else’s. It’s not selfish to have limits – it’s healthy and essential.
Try this: Next time someone makes a request, pause before saying yes. Tune in. Do you genuinely want to help, do you really have the capacity and the energy, or are you afraid of disappointing them? Practice saying, “Let me get back to you.” Give yourself time to check in.
4. You feel resentful, but also guilty about feeling that way
Sometimes when you’re doing everything (and doing it all well), no one seems to notice. Or maybe they do, but they’ve also come to expect this of you. You might wish that someone would offer to help, but you feel guilty for even thinking this way.
Overfunctioning can often lead to resentment. You want support, but you’re uncomfortable receiving it. You long to feel appreciated, but you downplay, or you’re not even aware of, your own needs.
This tug-of-war between resentment and guilt is a key sign that your life is out of balance.
Try this: Start noticing when resentment arises. It’s often a sign that a boundary has been crossed. Ask: “What do I need right now?” This question alone can be an act of self-respect.
5. You feel anxious when things are out of your control
You like to know what’s happening. You plan ahead, double-check the details, and rarely drop the ball. But when life is uncertain, you feel uneasy or anxious. You might try to fix things and when you can’t, you stay extra busy.
Beneath this need for control is often a deep fear of not being enough. If things go wrong, will people blame you? If you let go, will everything fall apart?
But control is a false god. The more we chase it, the more tightly wound we become.
Try this: When you feel yourself reaching for control, soften. Place a hand on your heart or belly. Take a breath and remind yourself: I am safe, even when I don’t have all the answers. Let life meet you where you are.
Overfunctioning is not who you are. It’s a strategy you learned.
Working hard, being in control and getting everything right has helped you survive. Overfunctioning might have helped you feel loved and needed. But it can also leave you depleted, disconnected and unfulfilled.
When we overfunction, we’re often trying to compensate for a feeling of not being good enough. We hope that by doing more, we’ll feel useful and loveable.
But true worth is not something you earn. It’s something each of us has as a birthright and something you can reclaim.
You don’t have to keep proving yourself. Start to catch yourself overfunctioning and see if you can allow yourself to rest, to receive and to trust that you are enough, exactly as you are.
