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“Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting, it just means we stop carrying the energy of the past into the present.” Yung Pueblo⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Everything in your story has shaped you but the less perfect moments don't need to define you. ✨
This week I've been writing about how we can keep our relationships harmonious and on my reading list was Dr Dan Siegel’s book, Mindsight.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ While it's not a relationship book as such, Dan's knowledge of attachment theory and how our early experiences shape the development of our brains (and in turn, impact our adult relationships) is fascinating. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ There’s so much I could share about this book but three messages really stood out for me. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ The first was the story of Stuart, who came to therapy at the age of 92 and through the therapy process, transformed his understanding of himself and his relationship with his wife by learning how to 'feel'. It was a touching and beautiful story and a reminder that it’s never too late to change your brain.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ The second was the discovery that we can make a significant difference in someone else’s life by making that person feel "felt". ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ When we offer the gift of our presence and do our best to understand and acknowledge them just as they are, they feel as though they’ve been seen.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ We do this most easily by slowing down for long enough to listen with undivided attention, by asking questions without offering advice and by keeping our focus on the other person, without interjecting with our own examples, so they feel that their experience really matters.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ And finally, Dan suggests that the presence of a loving and caring adult (even if it's not a parent), can make a significant difference in the life of a child.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I wanted to share this for all of the friends, aunts, grandparents, carers and teachers who are making time to be with some else's child or teenager. Even when you're not getting immediate feedback that this is making a difference, know that you're helping to positively shape a brain – and a life – for the future. That's an incredible gift to be giving.
“True equanimity is a kind of balance in which you let the world come in, in which you engage with the world without fear.” Jack Kornfield⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ It’s an elusive state, equanimity. I think of it as loosening the grip on anything I’m holding too tightly. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Whether it’s a belief, an assumption, a behaviour, an expectation or something in the material world, when we’re not experiencing equanimity, we often fear losing some sense of control. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Some people worry that holding your position more lightly might equate to “surrender”, but when that choice is made with a wider perspective, very often it’s the most liberating feeling in the world. ✨
“Sometimes people like me have to take conscious measures to step into the stillness and silence and be reminded of how it washes us clean, really.” Pico Iyer⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Thanks @saxonkent for the stunning image. #byronbayphotographer
I’ve told this story many times before but it’s something I still pinch myself about so I thought I’d share it again in the hope that it inspires you to put your dreams down on paper. Every year for almost a decade, I created a vision board with images of our dream home. I even went as far as sketching the floor plan and noting where the sun would be and the location of the sea. When we finally moved, after all those years of dreaming, the house we found was an exact match for that floor plan. As well as the layout of the house, every other element of the property including the orientation, the long tree-lined driveway and the fact that the house sits on a hill matched the image I had drawn and the photos I had on the pinboard behind my desk. It was honestly completely uncanny. I’m still a bit confounded by the magic of it all but there is no denying, there’s something about it that just works.✨ If you’re new to the process of crafting a vision for your ideal home, family, partner, career and life, I’d love you to join me for a 90-minute online ‘Create Your Vision’ workshop tomorrow where I’ll step you through the process. It’s creative and fun and something you may find you enjoy so much you’ll want to do every year, as I still do. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ You’ll find the booking link in my bio or visit the website directly (totalbalance.com.au) and look under “events”. $30 or free of charge if you’re facing financial difficulty. 🙌
"Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is." Mark Groves⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I’ve been reading Dr Nicole LePera’s new book, How to Do the Work (thanks @megjames.com.au for the recommendation). ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ There's a lot that I love about this book including Nicole’s approach to boundary setting. She explains why it’s so difficult if we’re the type of person who wants to be “nice” - a character trait that, in her opinion, needs reassessment. 😉⠀⠀⠀⠀ Having good boundaries isn’t about building walls or shutting people out. It’s learning to be more mindful when you constantly put others’ needs before your own, when you feel the need to always say “yes” or when you realise your habit is to rescue or fix others or be at their beck and call at all hours. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ It's learning to set reasonable limits when you want to meet a need of your own or when you're depleted or offended by someone’s behaviour. And importantly, it’s not believing that this is selfish or wrong in any way. It’s an art form for sure and one that takes practise but truly worthwhile if you want to preserve or improve your relationships. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ If you don’t know Nicole’s work, check out her brilliant Instagram feed @the.holistic.psychologist and grab a copy of her book. It’s well worth a read. ✨
Last week I had a lovely conversation with Ashli Templer from @yoursonlyco. She had recently read my book and invited me to join her as a guest on her podcast.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Ash was a wonderful interviewer who asked some really thoughtful questions. Sharing my story with her was a reminder that being lost in my career direction was ultimately what gave me the role that I have loved for almost twenty years now.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ And reflecting on my childhood reminded me that there are things in my life I have loved for as long as I can remember.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I've included a link in my bio in case you'd like to listen. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I hope it inspires you to realise that (like I did for so many years), you may already know what you're passionate about. Sometimes you just need the courage to pursue it. ✨ 📷 @breeanadunbar #changeyourthinkingtochangeyourlife
“The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.” John Muir⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ When I was a little girl, I lived in a place called Frenchs Forest where the gum trees were enormous, just like these. Not far away, was a glistening sea. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ After the rain, the air smelt like eucalypts. Over four decades later, I live a long way from there but when the trees are washed clean by an overnight downpour, the smell is exactly the same. And I’m transported back to that place. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ It’s moments like these that are my way of finding what Muir calls the “Universe”. All involve a deep connection with nature. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ What about you? What are yours?🌿 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 📷 Callum Pastuszak via Unsplash
You may know that I share my meditations on the @insighttimer app, but did you know they also have hundreds of amazing audio courses available too?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Most are either 10 or 30 days in duration and they include a little bit of theory and a meditation. The lessons are brief so they're easy to fit into a busy schedule.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ As you can see from this pic (taken a while ago now!) my course is about building self-belief. In it, you'll learn how to balance the negative bias of the brain, create a more positive and compassionate relationship with yourself and live with a greater sense of purpose.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ A few others I have loved:⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Simple Tools for Self-Acceptance by @megjames.com.au⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Coming Home to Yourself by @sarahfinds⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Beginner's Guide to a Mindful Life by @andyhobsonmeditation⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ The Wisdom of Our Wounds by @mytraumacoach⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Your Guide to Deeper Sleep by @jenniferpiercy⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Mindfulness Daily by @jack_kornfield and @tarabrach ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Maybe something for you to try this weekend? 🙏
© Kate James 2021

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