When I first wrote about the signs of ‘not feeling good enough’, I focused on four of the most common ways this difficult belief tends to surface, particularly when we’re stressed — overfunctioning, avoidance and numbing, procrastination and paralysis, and people-pleasing.
In this article, I’m returning to those original areas and broadening the perspective, because the ‘not good enough’ story shows up in so many different ways. When we begin to notice these patterns in ourselves and others, we can loosen the grip they have over us and create the possibility of doing things differently.
Feeling inadequate colours so many aspects of our lives. It shapes how we see ourselves, how we relate to other people, and how we move through the world. What makes it particularly tricky is that it doesn’t always look like low self-esteem. It can be hidden beneath high achievement, perfectionism, or people-pleasing. It can also appear as aloofness, arrogance, superiority, a lack of openness, or defensiveness. At times, it drives comparison and competitiveness, and at others, it holds us back from taking risks, stops us speaking our truth, and it can keep us from shining too brightly.
It is not something we only see in ourselves. It often appears in others too: the colleague who works around the clock, the friend who can’t be open with you, the partner who reacts defensively when feeling vulnerable. These behaviours may look different on the surface, but at their core they reflect the same underlying message: I am not enough as I am.
For many of us, the origins go back to childhood. Part of it is natural – we all want to fit in and be accepted – but it’s likely that it was also shaped by the words of your parents and teachers, comparisons with others, the pressure of your own expectations and even your genetic history.
Later in life, this story can intensify through the loss of relationships, workplace challenges, or experiences of exclusion. Regardless of how it begins, it’s something that can reach into every area of life including how we see ourselves, how we connect with others, the way we show up at work, and even how we care for our health and finances.
When we believe we are not enough, we develop strategies to protect ourselves from shame, disappointment, and rejection and over time these strategies, which once kept us safe, begin to erode our joy and limit our potential.
Have a read of the following patterns and see if you notice yourself in any of them.
1. Defending instead of staying open
When we have a ‘not good enough’ story running in the background, even the mildest feedback can feel like criticism. A colleague’s suggestion might sting, a partner’s question might feel accusatory, a friend’s flippant comment might feel loaded. Rather than hearing feedback impartially, we instinctively feel that we need to protect ourselves.
Even if you’re not actively defending yourself by snapping back or arguing, defending can show up as bristling, withdrawing or hiding your true feelings.
These behaviours can come across as stubbornness, arrogance or even a kind of self-confidence, but beneath the surface is a fear that if people see you as you are or perceive a weakness, they might not truly accept you.
Over time, defensiveness limits the depth of connection and can limit our potential growth.
A new belief: I don’t need to be perfect or ‘good’ at all times. I am lovable, just as I am.
2. Not being honest about what we really need
If we fear being “too much”, “too needy” or “too sensitive”, we often stay quiet about our true needs. We tell ourselves that it’s easier not to say anything.
In relationships, this can mean distancing ourselves instead of asking for closeness. At work, it may mean staying silent about a challenging workload or career aspirations. With friends, it can result in always being the giver but rarely asking for our own needs to be met. At its most extreme, it might result in isolating yourself because it feels safer to be alone than letting people really get to know you.
Avoiding honesty can make us feel safe in the moment, but over time it is a subtle form of self-abandonment that leaves us unsatisfied and keeps relationships from deepening.
A new belief: It’s safe to express my needs.
3. Numbing emotions through distraction
When painful feelings arise, it makes sense that we would want to escape them. If we haven’t learned to believe in our own worth, we may seek relief through numbing, turning to food, alcohol, scrolling, busyness, shopping, gaming, over-exercising or endless busyness.
Numbing provides temporary relief, but it disconnects us from our inner life and can ultimately impact our health. Over time, it becomes a pattern of avoidance that leaves us disconnected from ourselves and our lives.
A new belief: I am willing to be open to my true feelings.
4. Overfunctioning to prove your worth
Many people respond to their ‘not good enough’ stories by overfunctioning. We try to earn love or safety by giving, producing, and achieving endlessly.
At work, this might mean working late, taking on others’ responsibilities, or abandoning rest breaks until exhaustion sets in. In families, it may mean carrying the weight for everyone, being endlessly responsible, always fixing, organising, or smoothing over conflicts.
It differs from people-pleasing in that overfunctioning is driven less by a desire to keep others happy and more by an inner pressure to prove our worth through effort and achievement.
Driving yourself constantly can bring short-term approval, but it reinforces the belief that your worth is conditional and tied to your output.
A new belief: I am worthy of love and acceptance, simply for being who I am.
5. Procrastinating or freezing
Not all of us cope by doing more; some of us cope by freezing. We dream, we plan and we imagine, but we hesitate to act because the fear of failure is paralysing.
Perhaps you have dreamt of starting a business, writing a book, travelling, or dating or maybe you’ve thought about investing, retraining, or moving house, but you’ve been stuck in the ‘thinking about it’ stage for years. The risk of making a mistake or failing can feel overwhelming.
This form of paralysis protects us from potential failure, but it also keeps us from growing and changing, and we never discover what’s possible.
A new belief: It’s true that I might fail, but even if I do, I’ll be growing and I won’t look back on my life with regret.
6. People-pleasing to avoid rejection
When we don’t trust our own worth, we sometimes mould ourselves to who we think others want us to be. We say “yes” when we mean “no” and put others’ needs ahead of our own.
Unlike overfunctioning, which is about proving our worth through doing, people-pleasing is about earning love and acceptance by smoothing relationships and avoiding conflict.
The hidden hope is that pleasing others will secure love or connection. But this doesn’t always happen and in the process, it can create resentment on the inside and we can lose touch with our own true needs and feelings.
A new belief: I am ready to balance my needs with the needs of other people.
7. Self-sabotage
Sometimes we live into our unworthiness by unconsciously creating the very outcomes we fear most. We start spending recklessly just as we get on top of finances. We pick a fight in our relationship, just as we’re beginning to get close. We turn up late for an interview that might land us our dream role. We don’t prepare for a presentation and tell ourselves we were never going to be any good at public speaking anyway.
On the surface, these choices may look careless or destructive, but underneath, they are patterns that make complete sense. If we don’t feel deserving of abundance, love or success, we push opportunities away before they can be taken from us.
A new belief: I am deserving of abundance and love, and I make mindful choices in the direction of my goals.
8. Endless comparison
Comparison is another common aspect of the ‘not good enough’ story. We find proof of our supposed flaws by noticing that others are more attractive, smarter, or more successful, which eats away at our confidence. At work, this can take the form of imposter syndrome – the sense that we don’t truly belong or haven’t earned our achievements.
We might also make ‘downward comparisons’ in an attempt to boost self-esteem, but these too are driven by insecurity.
When we spend our time comparing, we stop appreciating the uniqueness of our own lives. Constant comparison distracts us from our own unique path and can drive us to strive for things that may not really matter.
A new belief: I am on my own unique journey and living in alignment with my true values.
9. Perfectionism (or ‘unrelenting standards’)
Perfectionism is one of the most convincing disguises of unworthiness. On the surface it may look like excellence, but underneath it’s fuelled by fear of criticism or disapproval, and a desire to appear – or to at least feel – in control.
You might find yourself double-checking every detail, endlessly rewriting emails, or holding back from launching a project until it’s flawless. Perfectionism can spill into how you present yourself physically, how you parent and how you keep your home.
The ‘unrelenting standards’ we set for ourselves can rob us of joy, spontaneity, and connection, and ultimately they can fuel burnout. They keep us striving for impossibly high standards (for ourselves and others) instead of embracing our humanity.
A new belief: I value progress over perfection, and I am enough exactly as I am.
10. Harsh self-criticism (and judging others)
The ‘not good enough’ story leads to a harsh inner critic. We speak to ourselves in ways we would never speak to a friend: You should have done better. You’ll never get this right.
This criticism doesn’t always stay internal. Sometimes, alongside our inclination toward impeccable standards, it spills outward into judgement of others, making us impatient, intolerant and ‘nit picky’. At its root, it’s the same insecurity, projected differently.
A new belief: I can be gentle with myself and others, knowing we are all imperfect humans doing our best.
11. Excessive worry, anxiety, or irritability
When we feel fundamentally insecure, we can become hyper-vigilant both mentally and physically. We prepare for every possible scenario, overthink conversations, double-check everything and even micromanage others.
While our excessive worry is driven by a desire for safety, it can become a habit that strains relationships and leaves us exhausted.
A new belief: I am capable of meeting life as it unfolds, and I don’t need to prepare for every possible outcome.
12. Superiority and projection
Sometimes insecurity shows up as superiority. It might appear as arrogance, sarcasm, dismissing other people’s ideas, or always needing to be right. It may look like strength, but beneath it is the same fear of inadequacy.
This can lead to a form of projection – a psychological defence mechanism where we push our own uncomfortable feelings onto others rather than face them ourselves. Instead of admitting “I feel small”, we want to make others feel small instead (even if this is only expressed internally).
A new belief: I can meet others as equals, knowing that my worth is not at stake.
Noticing the patterns
Each of these responses is simply part of being human. Every one of us slips into them at times. And while our ‘not good enough’ story may never completely disappear, as self-awareness grows, you begin to break old habits and open up the possibility of a whole new future.
The key is to notice. Catch yourself in the act of defending, overworking, comparing, or hiding and ask yourself: What might I do differently?
This one simple moment of noticing could change the direction of your life.
