If you recognised yourself in my last post about overfunctioning, you’re not alone. I had a huge response to this article which tells me that you are I are not alone. What I find interesting, is that once you realise you have an inclination to overfunctioning, you might have felt two things at once. Relief that someone has put words to your experience, and frustration that, even though you can see it, it still feels hard to change.
That’s because overfunctioning isn’t just a bad habit or a personality quirk. It’s a survival strategy, one that your nervous system and your early experiences helped wire into you. Very often, this pattern run deep, and it’s why it can feel almost difficult to change, even when you’re exhausted or feeling resentful.
The good news is that once you start to understand why you overfunction, this can help to loosen its grip. Awareness of why creates a better understanding of this pattern and often it’s the first step to taking action that is different.
Overfunctioning as a survival response
At its heart, overfunctioning is the fight response of the nervous system. Faced with the threat of not being good enough, your mind tells you to get into action. You work harder, take on more responsibility, fix problems (often before they even happen) and you work tirelessly at being good.
From the outside, this looks impressive. You’re reliable, capable, always the one others can count on but inside, you may feel tense, wired, and unable to rest. Stopping feels unsafe because the unconscious fear is: if I don’t do it, everything will fall apart.
This is why overfunctioning is so difficult to let go of. It’s not simply about doing too much. It’s about believing that your worth, your safety, even your belonging, depend on doing more.
Where overfunctioning begins
For many women, the origins of overfunctioning are in childhood. Perhaps you grew up in a family where achievement, responsibility, or being ‘the good one’ earned approval. Or maybe you were in an environment where life felt unpredictable or even threatening at times, and stepping in made you feel more safe.
Many cultures reinforce these patterns too. Hard work, high achievement, busyness, and self-sacrifice are often celebrated (this last one, particularly amongst women), while rest, clearly defined boundaries, and self-compassion can be judged as laziness or being selfish. It’s no wonder so many of us internalise the message that to be worthy, we must over-deliver.
Over time, the lesson that becomes ingrained is In order to be loved and accepted, I must do more, give more, fix more, be more.
The hidden pay-offs
If overfunctioning is so draining, why do we keep doing it? Part of the reason is that it works in the short term.
- People praise you for being capable and dependable.
- You feel confident using your strength of problem-solving.
- You’re rewarded (financially or otherwise) in your workplace for being a high-achiever.
- You feel in control when everything is organised and taken care of.
- You avoid conflict or criticism because you’ve already smoothed things over.
The pattern is reinforced each time you receive that burst of validation or temporary relief. It feels safe (and familiar) to keep pushing than to risk being judged, failing, or letting someone down.
The costs you may not see
But there’s another side to the story. Overfunctioning comes at a cost, even if you don’t always notice it right away.
- Your health suffers as you ignore your body’s signals to rest (this is what happened to me and the prompt that had me researching this topic).
- Resentment builds when you carry more than your share.
- Relationships become unbalanced, with you taking the role of fixer, rescuer or organiser. This might feel good in the short-term but it’s not great for either party later.
- Your own dreams and needs are sidelined because you’re always focused on other people.
What starts as a strategy for safety ends up reinforcing the very belief that drives it: I’m not good enough unless I keep proving myself.
Why it’s hard to stop
If you’ve ever promised yourself that you’ll slow down, only to find yourself volunteering, saying yes to an additional task, or staying up late to finish one more thing, you’re not alone. Overfunctioning is sticky for several reasons:
- It’s embodied. Your nervous system reacts before you’ve had time to think it through. That “I’ll handle it” response is almost automatic.
- It’s rewarded. Workplaces and families often rely on the overfunctioner. If you stop, it can feel like you’re letting everyone down.
- It feels safer than the alternatives. For many people, doing less brings up guilt, fear of criticism, or even fear of abandonment.
This is why awareness is so important. You can’t simply will yourself to stop overfunctioning. But you can start to notice when the pattern is taking over and experiment with small shifts.
Overfunctioning is not the whole story
Before we go further, it’s important to say something else. Overfunctioning might not be your only ‘not good enough’ pattern.
You may find yourself working flat out one week, then collapsing into avoidance the next. You might push through until you burn out, then spend days paralysed, unable to get anything started. Or you might combine overfunctioning with people-pleasing, always anticipating others’ needs and bending yourself to fit them.
These patterns are all linked. They come from the same place – the painful belief that you are not good enough for simply being the person you are. Your nervous system finds different ways to keep you safe, depending on the situation.
Over the next few months, I’ll be writing about the other three responses:
- Avoidance and numbing (the flight response)
- Procrastination and paralysis (the freeze response)
- People-pleasing and over-accommodating (the fawn response)
You may recognise yourself in more than one pattern, which is perfectly normal (and common).
Beginning to step back
If you’re wondering what to do about overfunctioning, the answer isn’t to flip a switch and change your behaviour overnight. This would likely leave you feeling unsafe and it wouldn’t be kind to your nervous system. Instead, begin by making small changes.
- Pause before saying yes and ask, is this my task to do?
- Practise letting something be ‘good enough’ instead of perfect.
- Allow yourself moments of rest without needing to earn them.
- Notice the discomfort that arises when you stop, and meet it with compassion rather than judgement.
Each of these small steps is a way of teaching your body that it’s safe to slow down.
Journal prompts
This week, you might like to reflect on one or more of the following:
- When did I first learn that doing more makes me feel safe or worthy?
- What’s the payoff I get from overfunctioning – and what does it cost me?
- What happens if I stop overfunctioning, even for a little while?
- Where do I notice myself shifting into other patterns, like avoidance, freeze or fawning?
The aim isn’t to fix anything right away. It’s simply to notice, with honesty and self-compassion, what’s really happening. The more clearly you can see the pattern, the more space you create to choose differently.
In the next article, we’ll look more closely at how our not good enough stories shape our lives.
